Episode Two: Simplify or Die

I have guilt about leaving school early before a long weekend. And I am using this guilt to avoid cleaning my apartment. I’ve heard that simplicity can really help anyone with depression, and I notice when I’m not so stoked on my life my apartment eats at my soul like a leech in meerky pond water. I’m taking it a little bit at a time but I can’t help but wonder if my time off could be used doing better things. But would I even be doing those so called better things? If they were an option?

Turns out I try and do better things by going for breakfast Friday morning with Andra. I eat all the things, including way to many pancakes. Its remembrance day and as me and Andra are laughing about some joke (We both have insanely loud hyena laughs) everyone falls quiet in the restaurant. Its 11:00 and we are to show our respect through 2 minutes of silence for fallen soldiers. Andra feels insanely embarrassed as the waitress shhhhh’s her. To be fair the way she was sitting she couldn’t see everyone else or the tv guiding us into silence. Its a sad day for me and I miss my Granddad something terrible, so I figured I’d avoid those feelings with copious amounts of breakfast foods. Shortly after 11:00 we walk back to my apartment and talk about relationship pet peeves. Anyone else hate when you feel sick? and your partner offers to bring you soup? Like no. No I do not want soup. No I do not want you seeing me look like a cast member of the walking dead. Just no, stay home save yourself.

That leads us to guess who has copious amounts of the flu? Me. I proceed by throwing my life up, all day and night. And I’m never eating pancakes again. Thank god Andra was gone by the time I started falling apart. As if I don’t have enough embarrassing stories I’ve shared with her. All we need is a real life showing of how I’m a disaster. I could of spent this weekend doing so many things on my list. Hopefully soon one of these posts will be about something that actually helps other people, and me. Hold on tight folks. She texts me to say “Do you want me to bring you some soup?”

Hell no. But could you come clean my apartment…?


Episode 1: Chaffed Vagina’s and “Friends”

Today at my desk as my barren vagina chaffed against the hard tweed seat of my office chair I couldn’t help but think WHY IN THE LIVING FUCK. Did I do this to myself. See in a mission to live like an actual 20 something year old I spent the last week trying to make more time for friends. Basically I’m in a twelve step program for depressed grannies stuck in 20 something bodies. My thinking is that there is a cure for this syndrome and that I’m truly not the only one. See instead of having a wild quarter life crisis like some of the other women I know. My quarter life crisis has come, turned my hair grey, my pubes long and left me begging for more time spent in the comfort of my queen size bed. But I’m throwing my knitting needles away, and replacing them with the former cool me. The one I barely recognize.

I started this mission small with the movie The girl on the Train, and my close friend/lesbian granny Andra. It is so easy to just not go out, and not do things. I think sometimes that the only time I’ve done something beneficial is when I’ve made myself step out of my comfort zone. One small step, to a movie was enough to set me in the right direction. I still think of myself as an extrovert. I am an extrovert. And I can’t help but think that people assume extroverts don’t get depressed. I’ll have you know that is completely incorrect. I’ll also have you know that even though someone is an extrovert they may not be able to talk or go out due to depression’s symptoms. I have gone on more adventures this week than I probably have in months. BTW The girl on the Train is super thrilling, and Emily Blunt is the ultimate in great actress babes.

The next day class was coming to an end so me and some of my female peers hit up an art gallery. I’ve been known since the start of school for kindly declining offers for outings, but Thursday night I wasn’t letting myself say no.For anyone with a creative side reading, if your ever feeling numb/creatively blocked, inside the art gallery will become one of your new favourite places. We went to an inspiring galaxy themed show at the Robertson Gallery. It was breath taking. Here; see for yourself.


Friday night I met with Taylor for a coffee at my old university. Her and me haven’t really hung out since she started dating Riley. And I always thought I had done something wrong to make them hate me. Turns out they both still think I’m awesome, and Riley even went as far as saying I’m pretty. Even though I’m not in the wrong they hate our other friends girlfriend with a passion. And I hate her even more. Which explains why they haven’t been coming around anymore. She’s a total bag of cunts if you ask me. Oh, and I guess the last time we were all in the same room she chose to tell Taylor she’s going to ask Jo to marry her. Even though me and Jo are way closer. THIS girl hates my guts… in a secret kind of way. Secret to everyone but me.

SATURDAY NIGHT. I shaved my vagina for this. It took me an hour and a half. I’m going to a bar. With a gaggle of gays. I feel like I’m 13 again.

Me and Andra decided we were only going out till the granny hour 12:40pm. As certified grannies neither of us really wanted to be out past 1am. My old friends from Calgary are in town which is a special occasion to party. I had refused to let myself stay home when they were out getting crazy. So I convinced Andra to come out with me, which I then proceeded to convince her to drink, then to stay at my place. I really don’t remember anyone else being at the gay bar that night. Just some girl with huge tits… being completely honest I don’t really remember her either. She said something about reading minds, I guess my mind was empty because she guessed I wanted to sleep with Andra. I’ll have you know I was really thinking wow, you have great tits. My friends from Calgary made short appearances throughout the night like waiters in a restaurant. Tequila has me remembering a lot of dancing, but even more hugging with Andra. My blurred vision has a feeling we walked home holding hands. We got back to my place, lit a joint then talked into the latest hours of the night. It must of been fun as my face hurt from laughing and smiling so hard the next morning. I remember laughing in the bar so much, that I’m sure everyone thought we were together. I’m also pretty sure my friends from Calgary never got that we aren’t. After many explanations. Have I mentioned I DO NOT want a girlfriend?

Sunday. Sunday night Andra comes over after work to help me organize my apartment. We don’t do that… Surprise surprise. I eat her out… I mean I order take out. While we watch 30 Rock. Which feels like home, Oh Liz Lemon. You are my granny ways reincarnate.